


What Can I Say Except You're Welcome

by Becky_Blue_Eyes



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire & Related Fandoms, A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Balerion Saves Westeros, Crack, Divine Justice, F/M, It wouldn't be me if I didn't dunk on that ho, Rhaegar Targaryen Bashing, felis ex machina, i wrote this in 5 minutes, the crackiest of crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-27
Updated: 2020-08-27
Packaged: 2021-03-06 16:20:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,053
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26131792
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Becky_Blue_Eyes/pseuds/Becky_Blue_Eyes
Summary: A very quick summary of how Robert’s Rebellion is thwarted by the fortunate placement of a little black cat. Or, the crackiest thing I've written.
Relationships: Elia Martell/Brandon Stark, Past Elia Martell/Rhaegar Targaryen - Relationship, Rhaegar Targaryen/a bunch of arrows in his ass, Robert Baratheon/Catelyn Tully Stark, past Lyanna Stark/Rhaegar Targaryen - Relationship
Comments: 44
Kudos: 193





	What Can I Say Except You're Welcome

**Author's Note:**

> This was inspired by me nearly perishing today because I tripped on my pet. Enjoy.
> 
> Note: this drabble is best appreciated when playing "You're Welcome" from the Moana soundtrack

Were it not for the multiple witnesses, King Aerys II Targaryen’s death would certainly have sparked suspicion and war. As it is, all of the Great Hall saw what happened. When Rickard Stark chose his son Brandon as his champion in his trial of the gods, Aerys chose fire. He ranted, he raved, he delighted at their agony. He stood up and swung his arms around as if he were the maestro to the wildfire’s flames. When Princess Elia begged at his knees for mercy, he struck her across the face and nearly knocked her down the sharp steel steps jagging down to the dais of the Iron Throne.

He was in his element of madness. So it is only fitting that madness was his end.

So consumed by mania he was, he did not see tiny little Balerion the cat steal up the steps to lick at Elia’s wounds. But his foot did catch against the kitten’s side and Aerys stumbled. Just a moment of uncertainty, of confusion–just a moment was needed to send him tumbling. And unlike Elia who is sure-footed, Aerys is a spindle of wasted muscle and overgrown nails.

He falls, and falls, and falls, and falls down dead.

Everyone is silent and stares at his corpse. The king is surely dead, considering the unnatural angle of his spine and the way his chin now rests on the back of his shoulders. Elia is the first to react and screams at the pyromancers to put out the fires now lest they also wished to be smited by the gods. Because obviously the little black cat is an agent of the Stranger and the gods are furious with them all. Rickard has some burns on his legs but will recover, and Brandon has some bruising around his neck but is no worse for wear than Elia’s black eye.

All the while Balerion mews from his seat the Iron Throne and begs for treats. The Hand laughs in a bit of hysteria and bows to Balerion. A few more follow suit until Elia, in a huff, collects Balerion in her arms and leads the Starks to her private apartments. Queen Rhaella, now Queen Mother, laughs, and laughs, and laughs until she too leaves for the apartments.

When they emerge, they are in agreement. Rhaegar has brought scandal, shame and sorrow to Houses Stark and Baratheon and must face his crimes. Rhaella, not wanting anything to do with her son’s actions as she’s suffered from her brother-husband’s all her life, washes her hands of the matter entirely and requests to live in peace with little Viserys until he’s old enough to become relevant. Rickard agrees to bend the knee to little King Aegon in exchange for a new marriage to soothe the one his family lost. A bewildered Varys watches Balerion from a corner with terrified eyes. Like falling dominoes, like tripping over a cat, it all falls together.

They find Rhaegar and Lyanna in Dorne, and Oberyn cheerfully drags them back by their hair and into Rickard’s cold embrace. Lyanna’s claims of true love quickly fall apart when Rhaegar explains exactly what he meant by the three heads of the dragon and she begs to go back to the North before she’s used as an incubator; Elia is more than happy to spare the girl the fate she herself fared with Rhaegar. Robert Baratheon and his grandmother Princess Rhaella are invited to Kings Landing where Rhaegar is made to apologize on his knees. He didn’t want to, of course, but Balerion swept by his knees and trilled. And even he, bold as brass, felt the fear of the gods old and new put back into his heart.

Rhaegar is sent to the Wall and Lyanna back to Winterfall with a much greater appreciation of stranger danger. Robert is offered Catelyn Tully, as Brandon cannot marry her now–he is to marry Queen Regent Elia and set to rights House Stark’s lost connections. Thoroughly disenchanted and embarrassed, Robert marries Catelyn with little fuss, and Princess Rhaelle stays in the Red Keep permanently to have a firm hand in her great-grand nephew’s raising. But with her, Elia, Brandon, Rhaella, Rhaella’s incredibly faithful knight Ser Bonifer Hasty, and a regency council with all of the High Lords of Westeros breathing down his neck...well, at least Balerion likes Aegon and purrs on his tiny lap. There is no greater sign of the gods’ favor and the High Septon signs off on it.

King Aegon is betrothed to Margaery Tyrell for her fat dowry and Princess Rhaenys to Edmure Tully to tie together all the regions, as well as the lovely Ashara Dayne to poor tongue-tied Ned, to both make sure all is well between the North and Dorne, and because Elia and Brandon think they’re adorable.

Tywin Lannister is upset that Ser Jaime refuses to return to Casterly Rock and that Cersei has to marry Elbert Arryn instead of a prince. Such is the lot of those who take too long to make marriages and are too proud to accept less than a crown. No one pities him and he stews in the Rock on all his gold until Elia and Brandon have a daughter named Princess Alys and are willing to marry her to Tyrion if it means he’ll stop pouting.

Life is good as it ever gets on Westeros, and no one is burned to death or strangled or murdered in front of their children, and thousands do not die for the sake of a king’s madness and a prince’s callousness. Instead King Aegon is raised to be an excellent king, and Elia and Brandon learn to love each other with all the passion they would’ve never had with their intended spouses, and Lyanna has a son named Jon with a good honest man she truly loves when she is of age to be a mother, and Catelyn whips Robert into shape as she will not tolerate his drinking, and all of Cersei’s children are Elbert’s, and Rhaegar gets his fill of self-serving prophecies when he’s used as target practice on the other side of the Wall.

Most of all, the salmon trade with Braavos explodes, as Balerion loves salmon. And the will of the gods is not to be ignored.


End file.
